Numb

This is the word that best describes me right now. I am so tired, emotionally and physically, that I am now numb. I am always amazed at how calm I can be during a crisis. I take scary or hard news with barely a thought and continue on as if everything is fine. I believe that most of the time Heavenly Father is blessing me with peace beyond anything that I am capable of, but sometimes I think that I am getting too good at blocking the emotion from reaching me. Whenever a current crisis has come and gone, I crash. I guess that once the moment has past my body just finally shuts down. But still, I am numb. There is no emotion, just exhaustion. I sometimes wish that I could just sob and sob, but the tears never come. How do I protect myself without shutting all emotion out? I know that I have to be strong. Jeff panics if I cry and the kids would panic if they saw me panicking. Instead of screaming out, "NO! Spinal taps are scary!, They hurt. They are serious". I calmly look at Tyler and tell him that everything is ok, it is just a little poke in the back. When they take my two year old into the OR for an organ transplant after informing me that this is about as major a surgery as you can get for a child this age, I calmly hold Jeff's hand and head off to wait in the waiting room. But inside, somewhere, I know that there is a part of me that is sobbing, screaming, "NO! this doesn't happen to me, to my little son, this is not my life! Bring him back to me!" I know that I can't be crying all of the time, but sometimes I am afraid that I don't feel anything anymore. I hear a sad story and it touches me and I feel sad, but I push the emotions back and continue on, protecting myself from feeling the pain and sorrow. Am I beyond feeling?